Zilenna

It's been a long time since I've written anything akin to journaling or pleasure. I can't really pinpoint a reason why. I do know I started drifting from DA when I moved out of Buck's house, committed to a traditionally structured relationship and sank into a dejavous my early 20's party mode. Working at TGI Friday's with my young roommates meant we saw each other at work and at home, but it was ok for a while because we all smoked and drank together too. Life was one big party. None of them seemed as interested in the arts as I, so I subconsciously drifted from that side of me while building friendships with these people. Aisley, Jordan, Lexie and Wayland all spent time living with me and Wes while in the King's Crossing apartment complex.

Then life was nothing but drama for a while. Aisley's constant sob stories for where her money went and why she needed to owe me rent, started wearing thin. At $1,000 I finally had to make her move out. Jordan got fired from Friday's and with me fronting her, struggled to bounce back -- she was making it for months, and putting a dent in her debt to me when she dropped off the face of the earth. I think I saw her twice over 2 months - neither time was her paying rent/utilities/me back or getting her things. Wayland got fired and Alexia got knocked up so both moved in with family, and ta da! Wes and I are stuck holding a $1,200 rent, plus utilities so we broke the lease and moved in with a neighbor, Jamie. Jordan had painted the walls of 2 bedrooms, punched a hole in a door during a temper tantrum, got purple hair dye and black paint on the carpet of two rooms and abandoned all her stuff so the leasing agency charged a cleaning and disposal fee. So Jordan's debt to me winds up totaling over $4,000. Drama.

Between kicking Aisley out and moving in with Jamie, I had quit Friday's and was using the Post 9-11 GI bill for ECPI's accelerated-learning RN program making friends my own age and intelligence level. My grades were all over the place though. I failed the easy classes by blowing them off, then aced the harder classes because they were a challenge. Eventually the honeymoon period of "college is fun" wears off and I start sabotaging myself by getting apathetic, then skipping, then being so ashamed that I downward spiral into a depressed funk again and drop out. I tried to bounce back, however and immediately enrolled in the community college nearby. But there too, I failed myself.

Living with Jamie was a good time though. Bills were light, Jamie's pet dog Miller and 2 cats were good company, and Jamie was a "bad influence friend" in a good way. He made sure Wes and I went out once in a while, footing the bill from time to time even. He supplied extracurricular fun on occasion and had enough friends of his own that he could throw the odd dinner party. I want to be the friend that hosts dinner parties eventually.

When Jamie left for Florida, he had to leave Miller behind. Wes and I semi reluctantly, mostly happily took Miller in. Unfortunately for Miller, the next place we found to live within our means and time limit was sharing a 2 bedroom apartment very near ghetto standards with two sweet but filthy kids. Their flea infested cats of course shared with Miller and it was a constant battle treating the apartment, our linens and Miller. I even bought flea treatments for the cats, but after a skin rash on the first application, they stopped trying any technique to rid the fleas. Worse than that, they seemed nose blind to the fact that their poor cats litter box should have been cleaned out months ago.

I was back at TGI Friday's, but a different location hoping for a different outcome. Insane, right? Mostly yes. Earning 10% tips off the day's total sales was considered a good day. Major attitude problems abounded among the staff, so ultimately the culture there made me so unhappy I had to go. Some good people were met but none stayed on as real friends after I left there for Mission Bbq.

The same time I was leaving Friday's, Wes found us a new place to live. By the way, Wes has been the rock of stability I could cling to this whole time. He's a line cook at the Friday's we met at and has received 3 raises in 2 years. A fellow cook had a room open up in the house his dad rents out. Ian is the landlord's son, his friend Kris and another Friday's AND Mission Bbq employee Jamison already live there. It's a total bachelor pad with three tvs lined up in the living room all connected to video game systems the boys play together or just alongside each other on different games. It's cute. Turns out that Wes is the accidental ringleader. He seems to set the trends and can whip the others into shape when inconsiderate lines are reached. (My lines are less flexible than Wes' but he gets results whereas I come off as a bitch so I started backing off.)

I'm making do here, honestly it isn't bad, it's just a challenge to near impossible to get people to do what should be their fair share of the housework.

I'm dying for my own house though.

I know I haven't been on in a long time.
I can't really pinpoint any individual reason as to why - many things factored into my drift from DA.
I do know I was surprised to see that I was missed.
I'm flattered, and I'm sorry. I've grown attached to people through DA who vanished from my world too, so I should have known better.
I never intended to stop checking in... I still don't... I don't think.
Life's been up down sideways all over since the divorce.
I used to consider writing as therapy, but I think I avoided this place as an outlet after a while because my ex husband is why I discovered DA in the first place.
Moving on with my life might've meant leaving DA for a spell.
I think that spell's over, but I don't want to make any promises.

My port in the storm
My knight in shining armor
Of course I love you

The way I want you
Most likely codependence
'Cause it's not mutual

I'll love you always
You were just what I needed
When my world fell down

I have to be strong
And not fall when you leave me
Because it's coming

And it's supposed to
We aren't a forever pair
I knew from the start

So thank you, my love
Regardless of time table
For loving me back