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My life is going forward on two tracks...
The one in which I am free, full of untapped potential and excitement and new experiences places and people greet me all along the way. And it is great. I'm not complaining. True, it's daunting and nerve wracking and there is a fear associated with the unknown since I've never been good at confrontation or self-motivation or making big decisions.
The other track running in the background is one of infinite sadness.
My lover, husband, best friend hasn't been my lover in a long, long time. Very recently it became official that he is no longer my husband and admitting that aloud or even to myself is still a punch to the gut that leaves me breathless and fighting tears. I do not want this trend to continue and lose him as my best friend next. He still knows me better than anyone else and I still love him fiercely and would defend his honor against any opponent and defend his life even if it meant my own. I can't decide if that makes me pathetic or not. Granted, if anyone but me calls me pathetic I'd take offence.
Dear Best Friend/ex husband/ex lover,
I recognized signs a long time ago but my cry for help was silent and tucked away where it didn't help anything.
Melancholy Apathetic Psuedo-rantI sit at my laptop, legs crossed on the carpet,
My back faces your left shoulder, 4 feet away as you slouch on the futon, facing your laptop.
You're away in online college, furthering your future, expanding your mind.
Me? I match brightly colored candies on the internet,
Chuckle at humorously captioned photographs of people places and things that have nothing to do with me.
Roll my eyes at the comments, complaints and the idiocy of strangers, friends and people I knew once and superficially keep in touch with through one liners and thumbs up clicks.
Your occasional attempts at conversation start with something you've just learned and find amusing, or frustrating, and usually end with "never mind, would take to long to explain it."
I miss you.
My attempts at conversation or together time get shoo'd off for schoolwork.
Or I get reminded of what I could and should be doing with my time.
What you're doing is important so I try not to be bitter.
On brain overload you vedge out to a game sys
Intellectualizing only touches the surface and I don't really care how smart you and I are... we've surely proven we are capable of stupidity more than once.
PleaI'd like to not be considered fragile
But I can't pretend the tears aren't just below the surface...
As are the wounds invisibly inflicted and quietly carried.
Straight spine, vibrant smile...
Just don't ask the wrong questions.
Or make certain types of statements.
Or see through the façade and look at me with sad eyes.
We've already filed...Don't do that to me!
We're supposed to be ok with this. We've talked about this over and over and over. It's fair and it's rational.
But the heart is neither fair nor rational.
That's why this whole thing is so hard.
I don't want to leave you.
So you starting little "what if" trains of thought...
...They run me over...
Your sad eyes bring tears to mine.
The divorce was your idea!
You asked for it. After the initial shockwave of anger and tears, I started looking at the idea rationally.
You are unable to fill a role for me that we've both acknowledged I need.
Why is it so hard for you to be?
And the idea of finding someone new that I may love just as passionately but can be all I need...
It's a scary, attractive, daunting, depressing idea.
And I can spit metaphors all day long to make something sound poetic instead of like a rant about the bitch that caused so many problems on her own... in the end I hate her. And I hate how your misguided nobility made you protect her even after she stopped being able to demonstrate she was worthy even if she couldn't reciprocate. Of all the mistakes in my life I think I finally have something to regret. And that was trusting her with my heart which led into you giving her yours as well.
BlueI'm willing to believe it was a knee jerk reaction
But its also something that can't be taken back
Not really, anyway...
Not that I'm predicting youll try though
I had been drowning in my own exhalations
Mad at the world for claiming it had a blue sky
Because I couldn't tell anymore
But hardly making any effort
Ensuring my loneliness was chosen
Rather than deserved.
Then I reached a point
Where my opinions started mattering to me again
And it hurt that they didn't seem to matter to you anymore
The sky is blue, right?
You're not disagreeing
But neither are you offering any thoughts of your own
Agreement or otherwise
So I ask again
And it annoys you.
Leaving was a foregone conclusion
But the timetable was flexible once
And I love you enough that any time I spent with you
Was worth lingering
At the end of every day, I'm still me... even with my two track life.
I want you on the exciting track with me because every new experience I have, I want to tell you about it, share it with you. Because I know you'd appreciate it, be proud of me, happy for me, be able to amplify it for me and share in it yourself.
Crying BlindI'm looking at the screen with half-submerged porthole eyes.
I haven't cried over you in a while...
Not that you haven't been a constant presense in my mind or anything, but I do what I can to stay distracted and practice erecting walls and fashioning masks.
Like the mask I wore when we last saw each other. It held up for the most part but found itself water soluable to your tears...
That was new.
Seeing you cry like that...
Not going to lie, there was some satisfaction in knowing you actually felt something even with all your rationalizing and intellectualizing through what led us to this place.
But actually seeing you cry hurt me like no other hurt I have ever known before.
Believing that all this nonsense was preventable... and I really think that it was...
We didn't need to ever hurt this way
Hindsight is always 20/20 or whatever the stupid saying is... looking back you can analyze all the little pieces of the puzzle that currently are all messed up on the carpet. Stepped
I love you